Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Watch Out Or I'll Blind You With My Lipstick.

Want to know something personal about me? No? Well too bad, I'm giving it to you anyway! I used to have a stalker. Yup, lucky me right? This sociopath of an individual thought he had some type of ownership over me. And yet he started out well enough. It was only when he realized I wasn't interested in pursuing a serious relationship that things went awry. I would get anywhere from 27 - 38 phone calls a day with strange messages like "you have to call me right away. It's really important. It's about your brother" Of course he didn't know my brother. And I was smart enough to call my brother instead of the stalker.

He would be kind enough to toss rocks at my window in the wee hours of the morning, park his truck out front for hours and wait for me to leave and even tested the securness of my front door by trying to beak into it with a screw driver. I know what you are thinking, how wonderful to feel so desired, how wonderful indeed. And yet I had the innate urge to leave a stick of dynamite under his truck while he so courteously waited in my drive way for me to arrive home. So rather then chose the later I decided to move and get a new phone number.

8 years or so go by and I still have an unlisted number, I still make sure my last name is never on anything that can be seen over the internet, I always watch my back when walking down the street, I try not to vomit when I smell Versace Blue Jeans cologne, and I walk with a envelope opener in my purse in case I ever need to open someone up like a piece of junk mail. One might normally think that after 8 years of hiding one would be free of such nuisances right? NOPE. Turns out that's not the case all all, because guess who found out where I work and decided to pay me a visit? Luckily there is a Major in the Military who just so happens to be a lawyer working with me who just so happened to shove the threat of a lawsuit tightly up his ass on my behalf. God how I love a man in uniform with a law degree! So all of this got me thinking about Pepper spray! And looky at what I found at Only-Pepper! Pepper spray in disguise. It looks like a very non threatening tube of lipstick but PsssssssSSSSS Surprise! You are blinded by the fiery stinging pain of a thousand tiny burning atoms! Wa HOO! I love this! I may or may not be feeling a little vindictive.

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